My Journey: Part II

I remember being fully aware that I was missing workouts and healthy food.  I remember knowing this wasn't the end of the road, I just needed to get my momentum back, but how?

Best thing about having meningitis? I quit smoking, for good! I came home to a house full of flowers, it was great!

I still didn't have the 'go ahead' from the doc to go back to the gym 100%.  I went back and did everything about half speed.  I worked out with my trainer (despite what the doc said) and she got me back on track!

Chick-fil-a.  First fast food after I got back from the hospital.  Mama dropped me off at the house, and I waited a reasonable amount of time and drove and got chick-fil-a.  I felt no guilt.  None driving there, none ordering #1 large size with a coke, none eating it all in record time.  All the guilt always comes about three minutes after I finish eating.  And it lasts as long as I decide.  It's never worth it.  But that feeling has never been strong enough to keep me from going back.  The mind is a powerful thing! Mind over matter, yes this is true, this is real.  Unfortunately the mind can play tricks on you.  Your mind can rationalize things that if you were to say them out loud and to someone else they would laugh at you.  But you listen and think yeh, yeh, ok that makes sense.  And at the time, you truly believe what ultimately you are trying to convince yourself of!

I just need to get through this week.
I have the whole weekend to get things together.
I worked out all week.  I deserve...
I'll double up at the gym.
What other choice do I have? I don't have anything for lunch at home.
I just need to get through tonight.
If she can eat it, surely I can. (in reference to anyone. on tv, friends, family etc)

I wonder if I didn't get sick if I'd be fast food free today.  I'm still not.  It's better, but not anywhere close to 4 months clean. 

Lindsey said she was ready to read more of the story implying part II is where I am now.  I don't know how many parts there are, but I imagine that just like any addict it will be something I have to deal with for the rest of  my life. 

I liked myself as a gym goer.  And a wise friend that knows me well said simply that she was invested in my journey, don't let her down.  That took a little of the pressure off believe it or not.  I was able to focus on everyone that gave me the compliments, that saw the changes in me.  It's not about me, it's about pleasing them, not disappointing them. 

I can go to the gym for everyone else, just not for me?  I'll get there.  I'm still learning that I'm worth it.  I need to take the time, stick to it and not apologize for things, or events I have to miss because I'm on a journey.  It is about me and that's ok.  It hasn't been about me for a long time.  This is my time.  I'm not 100%, I'm not even sure that is the goal.  I have a lot of work to do.  But I have a lot of people behind me. 

Part II is still the very beginning of this journey! Stay tuned to hear about where I am now and how it's going!