Wednesday, April 17, 2013

The Fixer

One of my new favorite shows right now is Scandal.  The main character played by one brilliant Kerry Washington is called a "Fixer" and that is when I first heard this word.

Later, after talking to my closest girlfriends they used the term to describe me.  As in 'of course you are uncomfortable, you are a fixer, and you can't fix this.'

Wow.  Nail on head. 

That's one of the MANY reasons I love these girls.  They know me so well, better than myself sometimes! It makes me feel loved!

So the magic question, what happens when a fixer can't fix? 

I love my girls! I love them like family! They are a huge part of me, they know my secrets and I know theirs.  We are close for the secrets we have on each other alone.  :) I try to spend as much time with them as I do with my real family.  They deserve that, my time!

As a group of five that has known each other for 14 years (um, wow!) we have been through a lot.  The good stuff is really good: Engagements, marriage, children, frat parties, drinking, bikini contest, graduations, promotions, Edisto, new houses, new cars, new careers.  And the bad is really bad: Unthinkable decisions, miscarriages, depression, life altering car accident, change in jobs, change in home towns, loss.  So much loss.  No one group should have to go through the loss that we have.  We have had loss.  We are one person, we all experienced these losses, differently, but all the same.  You can't fix a loss.  You can't fix that hole it leaves. 

Give me an infant, give me a toddler and I am all over it.  Behavior issues, done.  Temperament questions, answered.  I've studied, I've learned, I've put into practice and I am confident in my abilities.  Perhaps that makes me confident across the board in my ability to fix things.  I'm not sure, but something has. 

I'm not sure if it's confidence or just my need to make things better.  Either way I have been faced with too many situations I can't fix.  I am confident that these girls don't expect that from me and mostly just want me to hear them, to be there.  That's not enough for me and it's beginning to affect my insides.  It's my issue, I need to let it go and just be present.  But that is easier said than done. 

How can I sit by and watch someone so close to me hurt. 

You have to take a break, it's only been a couple of months.  This does not make you less of a woman.  Things happen for a reason.  God must have something amazing planned for you to go through what you have been through.  I'm worried you've gotten lost on this path and I don't know how to help.  I can't relate....at all.  And I want to.  I want to know what it means, why it's so hard.  I'm trying so hard to understand. 

Being a fixer makes me feel worth something.  It's what I have to offer.  Listening is not enough, being present is not enough.  I need to do something that will help out loud.  What do I have if not an answer?  That's what I do. 

And then I think, it's not about me.  It's not about me.  It's about her, it's about them, always.  So I will wait, I will listen.  I will always be here.  They were there when I came out the other side.  They were a big part of the light at the end of my tunnel.  I will be the light at the end of the tunnel.  I'll be the hand that pulls you through. 

You will get through, we will get through.  Until then, deep breath and exhale. 

2 comments:

  1. I love you and all MMP so so much. If you have sperm and perfect timing we just might can work something out!

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