The Fixer

One of my new favorite shows right now is Scandal.  The main character played by one brilliant Kerry Washington is called a "Fixer" and that is when I first heard this word.

Later, after talking to my closest girlfriends they used the term to describe me.  As in 'of course you are uncomfortable, you are a fixer, and you can't fix this.'

Wow.  Nail on head. 

That's one of the MANY reasons I love these girls.  They know me so well, better than myself sometimes! It makes me feel loved!

So the magic question, what happens when a fixer can't fix? 

I love my girls! I love them like family! They are a huge part of me, they know my secrets and I know theirs.  We are close for the secrets we have on each other alone.  :) I try to spend as much time with them as I do with my real family.  They deserve that, my time!

As a group of five that has known each other for 14 years (um, wow!) we have been through a lot.  The good stuff is really good: Engagements, marriage, children, frat parties, drinking, bikini contest, graduations, promotions, Edisto, new houses, new cars, new careers.  And the bad is really bad: Unthinkable decisions, miscarriages, depression, life altering car accident, change in jobs, change in home towns, loss.  So much loss.  No one group should have to go through the loss that we have.  We have had loss.  We are one person, we all experienced these losses, differently, but all the same.  You can't fix a loss.  You can't fix that hole it leaves. 

Give me an infant, give me a toddler and I am all over it.  Behavior issues, done.  Temperament questions, answered.  I've studied, I've learned, I've put into practice and I am confident in my abilities.  Perhaps that makes me confident across the board in my ability to fix things.  I'm not sure, but something has. 

I'm not sure if it's confidence or just my need to make things better.  Either way I have been faced with too many situations I can't fix.  I am confident that these girls don't expect that from me and mostly just want me to hear them, to be there.  That's not enough for me and it's beginning to affect my insides.  It's my issue, I need to let it go and just be present.  But that is easier said than done. 

How can I sit by and watch someone so close to me hurt. 

You have to take a break, it's only been a couple of months.  This does not make you less of a woman.  Things happen for a reason.  God must have something amazing planned for you to go through what you have been through.  I'm worried you've gotten lost on this path and I don't know how to help.  I can't relate....at all.  And I want to.  I want to know what it means, why it's so hard.  I'm trying so hard to understand. 

Being a fixer makes me feel worth something.  It's what I have to offer.  Listening is not enough, being present is not enough.  I need to do something that will help out loud.  What do I have if not an answer?  That's what I do. 

And then I think, it's not about me.  It's not about me.  It's about her, it's about them, always.  So I will wait, I will listen.  I will always be here.  They were there when I came out the other side.  They were a big part of the light at the end of my tunnel.  I will be the light at the end of the tunnel.  I'll be the hand that pulls you through. 

You will get through, we will get through.  Until then, deep breath and exhale. 

Puppy Dog Sleepover

This weekend Charlie has his best friend sleeping over!  General comes over often to play and spend the night! 

Like me, Charlie can get stuck in a rut of his own independence.  He likes things done a certain way and doesn't sway from that too much. 

So it's nice to have General come over and mix things up a bit.  He is a few years younger than Charlie, so he keeps him on his toes!  Last time he was here it started raining outside and I caught both of them in Charlie's dog house.  It was adorable!

I love that they are such good friends.  It makes me happy! 

My Journey: Part II

I remember being fully aware that I was missing workouts and healthy food.  I remember knowing this wasn't the end of the road, I just needed to get my momentum back, but how?

Best thing about having meningitis? I quit smoking, for good! I came home to a house full of flowers, it was great!

I still didn't have the 'go ahead' from the doc to go back to the gym 100%.  I went back and did everything about half speed.  I worked out with my trainer (despite what the doc said) and she got me back on track!

Chick-fil-a.  First fast food after I got back from the hospital.  Mama dropped me off at the house, and I waited a reasonable amount of time and drove and got chick-fil-a.  I felt no guilt.  None driving there, none ordering #1 large size with a coke, none eating it all in record time.  All the guilt always comes about three minutes after I finish eating.  And it lasts as long as I decide.  It's never worth it.  But that feeling has never been strong enough to keep me from going back.  The mind is a powerful thing! Mind over matter, yes this is true, this is real.  Unfortunately the mind can play tricks on you.  Your mind can rationalize things that if you were to say them out loud and to someone else they would laugh at you.  But you listen and think yeh, yeh, ok that makes sense.  And at the time, you truly believe what ultimately you are trying to convince yourself of!

I just need to get through this week.
I have the whole weekend to get things together.
I worked out all week.  I deserve...
I'll double up at the gym.
What other choice do I have? I don't have anything for lunch at home.
I just need to get through tonight.
If she can eat it, surely I can. (in reference to anyone. on tv, friends, family etc)

I wonder if I didn't get sick if I'd be fast food free today.  I'm still not.  It's better, but not anywhere close to 4 months clean. 

Lindsey said she was ready to read more of the story implying part II is where I am now.  I don't know how many parts there are, but I imagine that just like any addict it will be something I have to deal with for the rest of  my life. 

I liked myself as a gym goer.  And a wise friend that knows me well said simply that she was invested in my journey, don't let her down.  That took a little of the pressure off believe it or not.  I was able to focus on everyone that gave me the compliments, that saw the changes in me.  It's not about me, it's about pleasing them, not disappointing them. 

I can go to the gym for everyone else, just not for me?  I'll get there.  I'm still learning that I'm worth it.  I need to take the time, stick to it and not apologize for things, or events I have to miss because I'm on a journey.  It is about me and that's ok.  It hasn't been about me for a long time.  This is my time.  I'm not 100%, I'm not even sure that is the goal.  I have a lot of work to do.  But I have a lot of people behind me. 

Part II is still the very beginning of this journey! Stay tuned to hear about where I am now and how it's going!

Easter with my kids!

Last weekend was Easter and so Lindsey was in town with her family! They stayed at mom’s house and almost took up the entire upstairs.  There were kids everywhere, or at least it felt like it! Louis is much better than he was two months ago, but he still has some trouble sleeping.  So Sunday afternoon, after we got back from Uncle Chris’s house I found myself in a glider with a fussy Louis.  He is three months old and 16lbs! He’s a big boy, perfect snuggle size! He fit perfectly in the nook of my arm.  He doesn’t cry (unless the pacifier is out of his mouth) he is just….fussy.  So I have gliding in the chair singing all the songs I could think of.  Keeping a monotone voice so the inflection doesn’t excite him, I can be very animated when I sing! J

I remember having the same interaction with all my kids! Babysitting Betty in Charleston.  The first time Lindsey and Tab went out after she was born; she paid me to drive to Charleston because she didn’t trust anyone else with that sweet girl.  I was in the glider with her singing ‘I see the moon and the moon sees me’ over and over again while she cried.  Lindsey asked how she was ‘great, she did great!’

Sitting in the rocking recliner at mom and dads I held Raina and put her to sleep.  She was easy, that girl loves her sleep just like her daddy!  She was a big baby too, perfect snuggle size! I watched her as we rocked.  I studied her face, her eyelashes, her complexion, and her soft little ears! She was a beautiful baby! Just like now, you just had to put her blanket up against her face and she was half way gone!

Almost 6 years ago Trevor was that size! Each of these kids has their own little idiosyncrasies.  Trevor would sit in your lap with his pacifier with his fat little hands balled up in a fist in the palm of my hands.  I can smell the top of his head and feel his fine hair on my chin!

I remembered all these moments as I was sitting there with Louis studying all his features.  I knew I had to get them on paper (or computer) or I would quickly forget them!

Man, I love these kids.  All of them very differently, for their own little features, their own idiosyncrasies.  I wish I could quit my job and just rotate my time between all four of them.  That would be the best case scenario!  I’m happy that I’ve put into place that starting at 5 years old they will celebrate their half birthday with me! It’s hard to believe that the girls are just two years from that! I need to document more of my time with them! They do and say some of the funniest things!

Betty: (to Raina) “What’s your last name?” Raina: (to Betty) “Williams” Betty: “Oh” and then went on with their business playing with the coveted hula hoop!     

Happy Easter!